our cab driver is having phone sex.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
