Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
