I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You can't just leave with hair like that
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
