just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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