If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
