I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
