i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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