my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
