there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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