I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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