i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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