i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I have aggressive nipples.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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