new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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