my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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