it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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