I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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