Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
