Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
