STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
