Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
