i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
