I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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