new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
