Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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