what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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