haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
