I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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