When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
