Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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