Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
