my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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