Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
