i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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