I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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