I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
