cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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