It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
