"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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