just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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