There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
