my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
