the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
