Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
