I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
