i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
