I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
