Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
