you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
