listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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