I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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